A what I need from you card

For a partner or a close friend. Both of you fill one in. That is the whole design.

By Thought Club · Updated July 2026

Two copies, one each. Fill them in separately, then swap and read before you talk. Bottom two boxes are not optional.

The short version

Most of what goes wrong between two people who like each other is guessing, not indifference. This card replaces the guessing with eight written lines.
It is not a list of demands. Two of the boxes ask what the other person needs and what you will do differently, and a card returned without those filled in has failed.
Fill it in on screen, or print it blank and write on it. Nothing is stored either way.

How to use it

Do it when nothing is wrong. A card written in the middle of an argument is a weapon, and it will be read as one.
Fill yours in without discussing it. Then swap and read in silence before either of you says anything.
Take one line each and change one arrangement this week. Not eight. One each.
Put a date on it and look at it again in three months. Some of it will have stopped being true.

Who this is for

Filled in by

Date

What I need from you

When I go quiet, it usually means — And, in the same line, what it does not mean.

The thing that helps most when I am overloaded One concrete thing somebody could actually do. Not “be supportive”.

Please say this out loud rather than assume I picked it up The thing you would rather not have to read from tone.

Notice I need before something changes How much warning, and what counts as a change worth warning me about.

When we have got something wrong between us, I need — Straight back to it, or a gap first, and roughly how long.

Something that looks like a small thing and is not The one you have never said because it sounds unreasonable written down.

The two that make this reciprocal

What you need from me, in your words as I understand them Write what you think they would put. They will tell you how close you got — that is the useful part.

One thing I will do differently, starting this week Something of yours that costs them, that you already know about. Specific and small.

One thing neither of us should have to remember

A shared arrangement we could change instead A standing time, a shared list, a fixed place something lives, a signal that means not now. Something built into the week, so it does not depend on either of us being in a good state that day.

Why the last three boxes are there

A card that only lists what you need reads as an invoice, however warmly it is written, and the person receiving it has no move available except compliance. Box seven turns it into an exchange, box eight puts something of yours on the table, and box nine moves at least one thing out of both your heads and into the arrangement itself. That last one is the most durable, because standing arrangements keep working on the days when neither of you has anything left.

Evidence note. There is no research behind this card specifically. It is a structured version of something couples counsellors and friends have done informally for a long time, and it is offered as a format rather than as a method with results attached. The one part with real support behind it is box nine: deciding a specific when and where, once, is far more reliable than intending to do something more often (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006).

Nothing here is saved or sent anywhere. What you type stays in this page only — closing the tab or reloading it clears everything, so print it or copy it out if you want to keep it.

Written for Thought Club as general guidance, not medical advice. Free to read, print, and share.

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